(Other) Mother Knows Best?!

You know what I don't love? Other mothers who think they know best when it comes to your child.

Let me just start off by saying I am a clueless mother. I have long ago accepted and embraced the fact that I am lacking the maternal instinct that tells me what of the 2353 possible options, is the reason my two-year old is screaming; why my six month old won't sleep or eat if she's not barnacled to my side; how I should dress my children so they look like little models even when they spit/poop/snot/roll in dirt in their Baby Disney ensembles. I call the doctor religiously (I've mentioned that, I'm sure). When there is anything I question about my children's' health and general care I have no problems reverting to a 4 year old state myself and "why? why? why?"-ing or "how? how come?"-ing my mother or pediatrician or friends of mine who have older kids (or even poison control a time or two) until I am satisfied that whatever question I have has been answered and I'm convinced I am not going to permanently damage my kids.

What I don't appreciate is the unsolicited advice, especially if it comes from mothers with children my own kids' ages or first-time moms.

The other day I was in a social setting and one mother with a young son (between my two girls' ages) was extolling the virtues of cloth diapers. Now, if I had stayed Grits and not moved to all Granola, this conversation would never have happened, but, as I live in the land of Birkenstocks and attachment parenting, I find myself privy to the conversations more frequently than I'd have expected. Which is probably why I even considered cloth diapers briefly when I was pregnant with Big Girl. When I told my Gran I was considering doing cloth diapers, she in all of her Southern charm and Christian graces says, "Now why would you go and do that--you're not stupid!" Okay, Gran! That's probably when the tides turned for disposable diapers. So I have nothing against cloth diapers and even think they're a fine idea. When I said this much to the group at large, Cloth-Diaper Mommy proceeds to tell me that it's really not that difficult  and even goes to show me the one she carries in her diaper bag. Alas, the diaper bag is not with her since she was able to leave her only kid, her one 15 month old son at home with her husband.Did I mention I was nursing Geggs while this conversation was happening? Nothing like sitting crossed-legged on the floor feeding your infant while being explained the vast reasons you're way of doing something isn't ideal.

"Yea, you know there is an upfront cost but in the long run you save money." True.
"They are so much easier than the old-timey cloth diapers. What where THOSE people thinking using pins that close to sweet babies skin?!" They are more efficient ,true. Stupid people for not figuring out inserts for cloth diapers before...clearly, something was wrong with the way babies have been diapered the last 10,000 or so years.
"It's a lot better for the environment." Can't argue with that one!

As I was trying to be polite and listen to her explain why she didn't understand why everyone didn't use cloth diapers, I was reminded of my time in graduate school when I was the only conservative in my entire cohort and often I was the voice of contention, just because I had a different opinion. Tonight was no different.

After her 10 minute lecture to all of us mommies who did not use cloth diapers (us poor, ignorant folk) I just smiled and said, "You're so right. But my sanity means more to me besides a few hundred bucks and an extra lump in the landfill and besides, I'm keeping some poor Huggies employee's family fed." For real, with the amount of diapers my kids go through, we are doing our part to stimulate the economy.

That little rant was just to say--there are a LOT of different ways and reasons for doing things. She made excellent, valid points for cloth diapers. But she has one kid. Shes certainly not going to have two in under 15 months and her husband has a low-demand job that allows him to be home and help out. When she needs a break or 15 minutes to do a load of cloth diapers, she can drop her kid off at her mother's and do it. I can't poop by myself--I will be darned if I'm going to add another load of laundry to my day just so my kids can poop in cloth diapers.  *Disclaimer: Even if I was lounging around all day and had a nannie and maid and grandma on call, I probably would still use disposable diapers. I don't think anyone needs to come up with excuses on why or how they corral their kid's excretory system's offerings.

One last thing I'll say about advice from other parents, solicited or not. EVERY kid is different. You get told this over and over but until you have your own little person to care for, you might not realize the truth of that statement. I've read a lot of books on child development and common stages that all kids go through. And they've been reassuring that I'm not alone in trying to figure out this whole parenting thing (I mean, they publish millions of books on this stuff--they've got to be selling it to someone!) but there is no magic answer. I wish there was a manual for child-rearing but there isn't. I don't care how wonderful the reviews or how learned the author is--they're not your child's parent. You are. This becomes increasingly concerning as you transition from merely keeping them alive (infants) to trying to mold them into little people who will one day become grow-up people who will have to make their own decisions and probably, one day, start the whole pattern again.



And after writing all of this it is pretty obvious to me that God is sending me a bigger message. Even though there is no "How To" guide on turning out productive, happy, healthy members of society, God has given us a "How To" guide on having and maintaing a relationship with Him, which is the most important thing we can do in this life He has given us. Teaching our children to know and love the One to whom they belong is the highest calling we have as mothers. Today it's cloth v.disposable diapers but tomorrow I'll be deciding on what to tell my kids about love and friendship and values that will mold them into the people they'll become. I hope my girls are the kind of people who aren't afraid to ask questions and learn as much as they can--looking stupid is a lot less concerning than actually being stupid. And refusing to question things is pretty stupid.  I also hope they stand by their convictions and are able to do so while reaming respectful of other people's.

I guess the take away is to focus on God first. Why you're here and what He has called you to do s the most important thing you can do. Then being true to that, to who you yourself are in God's will, knowing what you believe and why you believe it will make you a strong person and good parent, even if, after the third time, you decide it's probably a good idea to just go ahead and put poison control on speed dial.

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